Well, maybe it didn't start off that way, but it certainly morphed into a place I came to check in, tell stories, own up, point fingers, mostly back at myself.
But certainly the plan was not to post a blog and then never show up again. That wasn't who I thought I was.
So, I suppose I'm here to take a reprieve, even though that's what I've been doing. I'm here to tell you I'm taking a reprieve. There you go. That's what it is. I think. Maybe I'll write and change my mind at some point, but that's the intention of the post.
It's been a hell of a year, no denying it. My birth mother died, my dear 101-year-old grandmother died, a very good friend died. Those were the heavy things. Then the "lighter" stuff; terrible car accident, our dog hit by a motorcycle (she lived), debilitating food poisoning, lice, loss of work and income, shower door cutting and leaving a permanent scar on my face, and other stuff, nothing tangible, just feelings as I watch my son grow older and need me less and I wonder how I will get on with it.
Get on with it. An interesting statement. I've focused the last 13 1/2 years of my life (including pregnancy) on this fetus who became a baby who became a toddler who turned into a boy who's almost a teen and I wasn't quite ready for this. I've got 6 years and then I'm waving goodbye, as he's off to college. Then what? Who am I? How do I then get on with it?
That is a question better asked now, not when it's too late, when all I was was his mother, the mother who forgot herself, the mother who was so hard on herself, who thought only about how she should be better, doing more, and then since I've done my job right, watch him, metaphorically speaking, drive away as I stand there thinking to myself, "Now what?"
Now what indeed. Despite the fact that I will make myself cringe: carpe diem! I don't have much time. Now is the time to be saying "Now what?" and to stop avoiding myself, if that's what I'm doing. I think, because I live where I live and the generation I am a part of, it's my inclination to need to do it all and set myself up to fall short. So maybe I was being a full-time mother and working and now it's time to redefine what my life means. Figure out who I am and what works for me.
But of course, continue to steer my son down the right path through these next tough couple of teen years.
Because if there's anything I do know, it's how to be a tough teen. I hope mine isn't, but if he is, he'll have a mom who will truly understand him.
