3. NO HAIR EXTENSIONS

So, look. I get it. Long hair is the desired look. Men, for the most part, respond more to long hair than they do to short hair. I've recently let my hair grow and it's the longest it's been since I was a teenager. I know I'm on borrowed time until I reach "that age" and then I'll be on my own list if I don't cut it into that sort of sassy appropriate length, and I don't mean the 90s Meg Ryan cut. I mean the quiet, not-calling-attention-to-myself cut; the cut that speaks in hushed tones and offends no one.

But, extensions...sigh. No. Let me say that again: No. In particular, the extensions that all the Housewives of Orange County had a couple of seasons back, and the same worn by Daryl Hannah to the left. It just reeks of impostor hair, there's not a smidgen of subtlety and it doesn't add youth, in fact quite the opposite. It screams of desperate need to hang onto what once was.

I will say that extensions have come a long way. Some time ago my friend took me to a salon on my birthday and ordered up the long, wavy blonde extensions for me. Extensions were in their rookie season, and I was newly drafted. I was excited by my new flowing locks, and later that night at dinner on a first date, I habitually played with my hair as I modestly flirted, and the next thing I knew, I'd taken an entire chunk of hair from my head. I don't mean a strand, but rather a handful. I don't remember how my date reacted or how things ended. It's highly likely I went home with him to assuage my embarrassment. But the point is, the hair world has come a long way and yours can be made to look very natural and even quite pretty. 

But the ironed out blonde pasted to the face and hanging to mid-breast? Please. Give it up. See what you've got under those extensions, take that leap and perhaps, if not fully jumping in, at least putting your toe into the realm of your age.

2. DON'T DRESS LIKE YOUR KID

A general rule of thumb is, if you wore it when you were a kid or a young adult, you shouldn't be wearing it now. If you have your own kids, that should go without saying. Sometimes, though,  the lines get blurred and we slip up. We're only human and it's natural to want to hang onto our youth. I know that I still feel like I felt when I was 18. My instinct is to grab that worn out vee neck tee and lock eyes with the hottie 20 year-old who works the juice bar at Whole Foods. But you know what? He'd feel sorry for me. It doesn't matter that I look fairly okay for my age. I am my age. There isn't a boyfriend jean or even a boyfriend in the world that will change that. 

Years ago my best friend at the time (I'd say BFF, but that topic will come later) and I rented an apartment above our landlady, who was probably 80 at the time. She wore cha-cha heels, tight pants and a boa around her neck. With a full face of make-up, she'd walk - rather, strut - the streets and smile at the young guys in the neighborhood. They were naturally horrified, but I had a certain empathy for her plight. I pictured myself at her age, not immune to dewy youthful skin and hopeful smiles - both of which I had at the time. However,  I somehow knew that even though our bodies cooperated with time and gravity, our emotions and egos remained spry and expectant; it's simply up to us to figure out a graceful way to deal with it all, and that doesn't include wearing tattered mini-skirts and gladiator sandals.

1) NO SKATEBOARDING IF YOU'RE OLDER THAN 30

 Thirty might seem kind of strict, but the truth is, once your sperm count begins to dip, you need to start being concerned about the rest of your body. Not only do you look ridiculous on a skateboard, but you're endangering yourself and the other kids at the skate park. Yes, if you're still skating in your 30s, you're a kid. 

Just so you know, and this isn't meant to be harsh but rather to help you - the other kids at the skate park don't think you're cool. They feel a bit bad for you. Life is meant to go in stages, and by now you should be focusing on your career and your family. If you don't yet have a family, it's time to start thinking about that. If you don't want a family, it's still time to settle down. Get off the board, go to work and join the in the ranks of grown-ups.

What it's about...

Have you ever felt your face flush when you've seen that guy in his 50s on a skateboard wearing an ironic concert tee? How about that mom in her 40s with the spray tan, a face that doesn't move, and jeans so tight and so low you have to force yourself to look away? Do you remember the times when you were a kid and your parents did something that humiliated you, something as innocent as saying hello to you in front of your friends? Your parents were probably wearing simple cotton khakis or an LL Bean skirt and Tretorns; imagine how the children of the dad on the skateboard and the mom in the spike heels feel?

This must stop. Dads don't get to "pound me some fist" with their son's friends; Moms are not allowed to borrow their daughter's Current Elliot jeans. Your children are not your friends, they are your children. You do not need to outnumber them in Facebook friends or out tweet them on Twitter. If you're going to the same concert, hopefully it's because Bob Dylan reaches across the generational divide and not because you're both partying at Coachella.

The truth is, you're too old. It's embarrassing and a little bit sad, but it's not too late. It may take some hard work, some changes in the way you think, some grief as you let go of the old to make way for the new. The good news is, you'll act your age and gain the respect of your children. You'll realize that the looks you've been getting are not because you're so hot, but because you're so wrong.

This guide will get you right again.