A Deviation From My Norm...

I've decided that once in awhile, it's nice to hear what someone else has to say :), so I've invited my friend Allison Burnett to answer a few questions.

I’ve known Allison since the early 1990s. We’ve weaved in and out of each other’s lives over the years, always staying in touch. We’re both highly opinionated people, and we’re both parents. You’ve seen my thoughts in this blog about parenting and aging, so now let’s hear what Allison has to say.

Q. Los Angeles has as many nannies as gardeners. Any thoughts about that?

A. Anyone who can afford either or both should thank his lucky stars. If nannies and gardeners are used as helpers instead of substitutes, they are a wonderful thing. Chloe and I both work at home, so our parenting of our two little boys is continual, and yet our nanny is a god-send.Similarly, Chloe has begun an organic vegetable garden, and yet we are relieved to have a gardener to tend to everything else.

Q. The Catholics have Pre-Cana before they are allowed to marry in the Church. Do you feel an equivalent, say "Pre-MamaDada", might be a good idea and possibly change the direction of this world? (oops, no leading questions, Sarah!)

A. I think people should have children with their eyes wide open, so if you are a parent and you have a friend contemplating having children you should try to talk them out of it. Tell them in gut-wrenching detail about the sleeplessness, the years-long house arrest, the rounds of flu, the vaccination worries, and the overall complete subjugation of your needs in favor of the child's.If you succeed in talking your friend out of it, then you have done the world a great service. The last thing the world needs is more unprepared or ambivalent parents.

Only those who welcome these sacrifices with open arms are ready for parenthood. I think the same thing about owning a dog, by the way. So many people buy dogs and have children for the same reason: to get love. In fact both are about giving love. I think a person should have children when his heart is overflowing not craving.

Q. What are your pet peeves when it comes to modern parents?

A. I am militant to the point of frothing when it comes to maternal abandonment of children from birth to about five. And by abandonment I mean spending a single night away from them, unless it is an absolute necessity, such as when the mother is giving birth to another baby.

I know I am in a tiny minority here, but I think leaving a young child without its mother is playing Russian Roulette with a kid’s sense of well being for the rest of his life. Many parents think nothing of taking a few days off, or even a whole week, from parenting. They fuck off to Europe or Mexico, and, after they get back, all they talk about it how hard it was for them to leave the baby, how they worried so, but that they knew it was so important for their marriage, and, thank God, they had their sister/mother/nanny to take care of the baby.

In their narcissism, it becomes all about them and their fears, worries, and needs, without a moment’s concern for the psychological well being of the child. And there is no one to correct them, because the child cannot speak, or, if he can, he is reassured, smooched, and gifted into silence. Any damage that has been inflicted goes underground. But not forever.

Premature separation from mother can be devastating. Even apes show lowered serotonin levels when separated from their mothers! Why do we think we are any different? Can you imagine what it is like for a small child to reach for his mother night after night and find her absent? What does this tell this child about his importance in the world, his self-worth, and his mother’s priorities?

Who knows, maybe your kid is resilient and it won’t damage them, but you are playing Russian Roulette, all the same, and you will not know if the bullet was in the chamber for years to come.

Just so you don’t think I am singling out mothers, I think it’s crummy when fathers take off, too, but there is no doubt that the maternal bond is far more powerful. I do not travel. and am entirely entwined in my boys’ daily lives, and yet when they are in distress, she is their only true comforter. She is the only one whose physical proximity heals all wounds.

There are as many bad parents as there are bad actors and bad drivers. Everyone thinks that the bad parent is the other guy. Even when we make stupid mistakes, we console ourselves with “Well, I did the best I could.” One thing is crystal clear to me: if you are going on vacation without your small children, you are not doing the best you can.

Q. What do you consider graceful aging?

A. Understanding that your job is to help the younger generations grow up, not to upstage them. Living from the knowledge that you had your turn; now it's theirs.

Q. Finally, what do you consider ungraceful aging?

A. Chopping your face up with a scalpel, injecting fat into your face, sucking fat from your thighs and stomach, dying your hair in an egregious way, appropriating the slang, fads, and fashions of the next generation, and having sex with people young enough to be your kids.

Peace out, yo.

Allison Burnett is a novelist and screenwriter, living in Los Angeles. His first novelChristopher was a finalist for the 2004 PEN Center USA Literary Award. His latest novel,Undiscovered Gyrl, was published this summer by Vintage Books. It is a must read and you should buy it immediately at Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Undiscovered-Gyrl-Vintage-Contemporaries-Orig/dp/0307473120/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250271119&sr=1-1

Please also visit Allison’s website: http://allisonburnett.com/

Thanks Allison, and I must admit to agreeing with 99.9% of the above. Readers, we welcome your comments - agree, disagree, violently agree or disagree, approve or disapprove, violently approve or disapprove. Bring it on!