21. Costumes to avoid if you're over 35

1) Playboy Bunny. Or, any bunny for that matter. Leave the ears and the fluffy tail to the pre-schoolers and the Millenials.

2) French Maid. (see above, minus the ears and fluffy tail)

3) Amy Winehouse. She's younger than you. If you really have a hankering for a f****d-up rock and roll chick, try Debbie Harry or Nancy Spungen.

4) Cheerleader. Aside from the obvious , it's just boring and unoriginal.

5) Prostitute*

6) Princess. Um...well, it seems pretty clear, doesn't it?

7) Naughty Nurse. Again, there's simply no reason for it. It's not tasteful, and it's clinging to a bygone era.

8) Flapper. Another one to leave for Generation Y.

9) Catholic School Girl. Not much to say about that except: Don't.

10) G0-Go Dancer. (see above)

* An exception to this is going as a rode-hard, hung-up-wet street-walking hooker. But, that would take a very healthy ego to pull off. God bless you if you can do it!

There are plenty of options out there, if you're still into dressing up. I can't remember the last time I did, simply because my son begs me not to do anything that might call attention to the fact that I'm his mother, and even a benign witch's hat or Zorro mask would, according to him, scar him for life. However, if I were going to dress up I might try something a little more original than an angel or a devil or Cleopatra. I don't know. Maybe I'd just get a little baby powder, put it under my nose, and pretend I was in Miami in the 80s.

Of course, I'd have to do that an an adults only party. And who knows when that might be?

Wherever you are, whatever you are, be safe and Happy Halloween!

A Deviation From My Norm...

I've decided that once in awhile, it's nice to hear what someone else has to say :), so I've invited my friend Allison Burnett to answer a few questions.

I’ve known Allison since the early 1990s. We’ve weaved in and out of each other’s lives over the years, always staying in touch. We’re both highly opinionated people, and we’re both parents. You’ve seen my thoughts in this blog about parenting and aging, so now let’s hear what Allison has to say.

Q. Los Angeles has as many nannies as gardeners. Any thoughts about that?

A. Anyone who can afford either or both should thank his lucky stars. If nannies and gardeners are used as helpers instead of substitutes, they are a wonderful thing. Chloe and I both work at home, so our parenting of our two little boys is continual, and yet our nanny is a god-send.Similarly, Chloe has begun an organic vegetable garden, and yet we are relieved to have a gardener to tend to everything else.

Q. The Catholics have Pre-Cana before they are allowed to marry in the Church. Do you feel an equivalent, say "Pre-MamaDada", might be a good idea and possibly change the direction of this world? (oops, no leading questions, Sarah!)

A. I think people should have children with their eyes wide open, so if you are a parent and you have a friend contemplating having children you should try to talk them out of it. Tell them in gut-wrenching detail about the sleeplessness, the years-long house arrest, the rounds of flu, the vaccination worries, and the overall complete subjugation of your needs in favor of the child's.If you succeed in talking your friend out of it, then you have done the world a great service. The last thing the world needs is more unprepared or ambivalent parents.

Only those who welcome these sacrifices with open arms are ready for parenthood. I think the same thing about owning a dog, by the way. So many people buy dogs and have children for the same reason: to get love. In fact both are about giving love. I think a person should have children when his heart is overflowing not craving.

Q. What are your pet peeves when it comes to modern parents?

A. I am militant to the point of frothing when it comes to maternal abandonment of children from birth to about five. And by abandonment I mean spending a single night away from them, unless it is an absolute necessity, such as when the mother is giving birth to another baby.

I know I am in a tiny minority here, but I think leaving a young child without its mother is playing Russian Roulette with a kid’s sense of well being for the rest of his life. Many parents think nothing of taking a few days off, or even a whole week, from parenting. They fuck off to Europe or Mexico, and, after they get back, all they talk about it how hard it was for them to leave the baby, how they worried so, but that they knew it was so important for their marriage, and, thank God, they had their sister/mother/nanny to take care of the baby.

In their narcissism, it becomes all about them and their fears, worries, and needs, without a moment’s concern for the psychological well being of the child. And there is no one to correct them, because the child cannot speak, or, if he can, he is reassured, smooched, and gifted into silence. Any damage that has been inflicted goes underground. But not forever.

Premature separation from mother can be devastating. Even apes show lowered serotonin levels when separated from their mothers! Why do we think we are any different? Can you imagine what it is like for a small child to reach for his mother night after night and find her absent? What does this tell this child about his importance in the world, his self-worth, and his mother’s priorities?

Who knows, maybe your kid is resilient and it won’t damage them, but you are playing Russian Roulette, all the same, and you will not know if the bullet was in the chamber for years to come.

Just so you don’t think I am singling out mothers, I think it’s crummy when fathers take off, too, but there is no doubt that the maternal bond is far more powerful. I do not travel. and am entirely entwined in my boys’ daily lives, and yet when they are in distress, she is their only true comforter. She is the only one whose physical proximity heals all wounds.

There are as many bad parents as there are bad actors and bad drivers. Everyone thinks that the bad parent is the other guy. Even when we make stupid mistakes, we console ourselves with “Well, I did the best I could.” One thing is crystal clear to me: if you are going on vacation without your small children, you are not doing the best you can.

Q. What do you consider graceful aging?

A. Understanding that your job is to help the younger generations grow up, not to upstage them. Living from the knowledge that you had your turn; now it's theirs.

Q. Finally, what do you consider ungraceful aging?

A. Chopping your face up with a scalpel, injecting fat into your face, sucking fat from your thighs and stomach, dying your hair in an egregious way, appropriating the slang, fads, and fashions of the next generation, and having sex with people young enough to be your kids.

Peace out, yo.

Allison Burnett is a novelist and screenwriter, living in Los Angeles. His first novelChristopher was a finalist for the 2004 PEN Center USA Literary Award. His latest novel,Undiscovered Gyrl, was published this summer by Vintage Books. It is a must read and you should buy it immediately at Amazon.com: http://www.amazon.com/Undiscovered-Gyrl-Vintage-Contemporaries-Orig/dp/0307473120/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250271119&sr=1-1

Please also visit Allison’s website: http://allisonburnett.com/

Thanks Allison, and I must admit to agreeing with 99.9% of the above. Readers, we welcome your comments - agree, disagree, violently agree or disagree, approve or disapprove, violently approve or disapprove. Bring it on!

20. To paraphrase Catherine Deneuve: You have to choose your fanny or your face

It's one thing to be in shape, but quite another to be a silhouette. And by the way, this applies to men as much as it does to women. At least three shows on T.V. this past week featured guys in their 40s who used to be hot, but have now become manorexic. What happened? Am I just old-fashioned for preferring my men not to have an eating disorder?

Actually, I dated a guy when I was in my 20s who, after every meal, would get up from the table and disappear to the bathroom for at least fifteen minutes. It took me years until I put the pieces together and had that "Oh, yeah!" moment. It wasn't as pervasive then, though he would look in the mirror and proclaim how fat he was (which even in my denyeverylittlebadthingabouttheguyI'mseeing frame of mind was a jump out), but I just chalked that up to his being an actor. Hey, I thought I was fat too. What girl in her 20s didn't?

To stay on point, though, Catherine Deneuve was right. Once you get to a certain age, and of course that varies, you need a few extra pounds. People argue about this because of all the options there are now that didn't exist when Ms. Deneuve made that statement: Restylane, Botox, surgery, etc., but the options can be dangerous. Of course, a little here and a little there is fine, it's even refreshing. But the problem is, people do too much of it.

Did you know that, according to some studies, forty-two percent of girls in 1st - 3rd grade want to be thinner, and eighty-one percent of 10-year-old girls have restricted their food intake so as to be thinner? It's not just girls; boys account for five - ten percent of anorexia and bulimia cases. I find that horrifying.

I also find it horrifying that if this keeps up, in 40 years Western Civilization is going to look like the set of the movie "Brazil". And yes, this is the second time I've used that reference in recent history, but is there a better one?

19. As hard as it may be, don't be bitter

There's nothing graceful about being bitter. It's also completely understandable if you are. Life can be hard, disappointing, not what you thought it was going to be, painful and at times dull (though I welcome the dull moments, frankly).  You get to a certain point and if you're not where you thought you would be, it can be infuriating. What happened? What didn't happen? What did I do wrong? What wrong was done to me? Relationship failures, career letdowns, family issues, and of course these days the horrible economy and devastating state of the world. It's truly enough to drive you insane or, become bitter.

Here's the thing, though: Don't. Don't let yourself become angry and spiteful and hateful. It's the most aging and unattractive quality you can have. Despite how you look to the rest of the world, it feels horrible to be that mad. And if you have kids, look at the message you're sending them: I didn't get exactly what I want, so I'm going to stomp my feet and hate the world. Guess what that's going to do? One of two things: either they'll grow up and feel the same way about life, or they'll grow up and pity you for having behaved that way. Either scenario, it ain't pretty.

I'm not saying this is easy. I'm not saying I haven't had my moments of being pissed off and feeling sorry for myself. More than I care to admit, to be honest. But it does nothing for my life, it does nothing for my outlook on life, and it certainly doesn't change anything. All it does is take away the light at the end of the tunnel, add some wrinkles, and increase my chance for an early death.

Life might not be exactly what you want it to be, but if you're too busy being mad about that, you've no chance to change it. 

As my friend told me, "The windshield is bigger than the rearview mirror". 

18. Be as you want to be seen.

Does that make sense? I've been "lecturing" here for the last few months about aging gracefully, but really, that can only happen if you want it to happen. Growing old is a part of life, but growing up and accepting that can be difficult - at least, for some people. I do know others who handle it beautifully, though most of them don't live in L.A. This is one of the hardest places in the world to get older. I'm sure if everyone over a certain age (particularly women) could be put to pasture,  it would happen. There'd be a big "old" ranch in Death Valley. Cruel, cruel, cruel.

That aside, aging is inevitable. No Botox, Restylane, face-lift, Porsche, young boyfriend or young girlfriend is going to change that. It doesn't mean grab the "Mom jeans" and ignore the roots of your hair, or start wearing gray pleated pants and  let your beer belly grow. Conversely, it also doesn't mean competing with people half your age. There's a balance. 

There's a reason for cliches, and "Age is a state of mind" is one of those that ring true. Regardless of an anonymous comment to one of my recent posts, and despite the title of this blog, I don't spend an inordinate amount of time worrying about my age. Actually, I think I look and feel better than I ever have - though I do miss my 20-year-old skin and not having to work to stay fit. 

Living in Los Angeles, though, is hard - and being single over 35 is even harder. But if you can "be as you want to be seen" (and in my case that's more than simply how I look, it's also attitude, kindness, graciousness) then it will weed out a lot of people. Did you really want that middle-aged divorced guy in the Ray Bans, Panama Hat and concert tee who's got 750 women friends on Facebook? Or the woman who looks like she stepped out of the movie "Brazil"? I don't think so.

I told my son last night to move forward, don't listen to anything unless it's constructive, and fight the fight no matter what. 

The same advice can be given for aging gracefully. It's not impossible, even in Los Angeles.

17. Some things to avoid if you were born before 1977

Clubs (as in, nightclubs): Once in awhile, of course, it's fine - if you're with a group and it's spontaneous and you want to dance. But an every night type of thing? No. Club days are over. Make room for the young. The older people did that for you when you were starting out, now it's your turn. Move over. Go home and watch "Mad Men" or catch up on that stack of New Yorkers.

Cocaine: Not much to say about this, except...Ew.

Skateboards: I've said this before, but it warrants another mention because today I saw a guy who was pushing 50 skating down Abbot Kinney. I was worried and embarrassed for him.

The Zooey Deschanel haircut: It looks really cute on her. She's adorable. She's young. She can pull it off. We can't.

Sideburns: Aside from being supremely unattractive, it reeks of pretentious hipster and that truly is a mission only for the young.

Standing in line at Undefeated for the newest pair of kicks: (or even referring to them as "kicks") Come on. This is a no-brainer, but I swear I've seen guys out there that are days away from collection a pension.

Kabbalah Red Bracelet: This has nothing to do with age, it's just annoying. Yet another "spiritual" fad. In the 18 years I've been in and out of L.A., I'm guessing there's been as many celebrity spiritual fads. It's tiresome, it's not believable, it's identity-less. Keep your spirituality to yourself. It's meant to be private, not shared with the rest of the world simply to prove you're deep.

If anyone has any more to share, feel free to comment. Once again, I don't mean to be harsh but sometimes you've gotta be cruel to be kind...

16. Do what you have to do to hold it together for the kid

Remember the days when crazy was interesting? There was a time I did my best to embellish my childhood, making it seem as nuts and dysfunctional as possible. Here's a recurring question in this blog: What was I thinking? And it's accompanying answer: Clearly I wasn't.

I rushed off to therapy when I was 20-years-old. Not that I didn't need it, but to be honest, I think my main motivation was because I thought it was "cool". It was cool to be traumatized, and if there was a label, I put it on myself. I'm not kidding. Looking back, I'm shuddering not with shame, but pity for my young self.

But I digress. This is now and what I believe now is that it's likely most people have a level of depression. At least, most people who can afford it. That is, Upper Middle Class in a First World country. Some real, some indulgent.  There's a lot to be depressed about, truthfully. We live in a world filled with poverty, sexual deviation, child abuse, drug abuse, lack of health care, obesity, starvation, disease, uneducated morons, violence, war, racism, classism, sexism, religious fanaticism, dwindling water supply, general malaise and stupefying denial. Not to mention personal problems: divorce, job loss, loneliness, too fat, too thin, not thriving in your career, unresolved childhood issues, illness, family dynamics and countless other day-to-day things that make up a life and cause stress.

So you're depressed. I am too, if not actively at the moment, have been and am sure to be again. When I was younger (pre-kid), I indulged myself. I took to bed, chain-smoked, slept all day, called in sick to work, rented sad movies and cried, bored my friends with hours of self-pity on the phone, and fed into the wounded narcissism. Hey, I was young and Upper Middle Class in a First World Country - what else was I to do? (Not to mention, I had some real issues going on.)

These days, because I'm a mom, I choose other ways to deal with my stuff when it comes up. Not getting out of bed and crying all day when there's someone who needs a meal or a ride to school is no longer an option.

There are a myriad of options out there and no reason to judge oneself with what they choose (unless it's, you know, the meth pipe or the daily bottle of Popov). Lately, I've been trying long walks and exercise and watching Vanguard journalism to check myself and remember that I'm UMC in a FWC. If I needed it, though, if things got really bad and I legitimately could not get out of bed - then I'd hit the shrink and get a prescription. I don't understand the prejudice against anti-depressants. I think shaming anyone for anything (unless it's Phillip Garrido or Josef Frizl or...) is such a small-minded way to live your life. But that's a rant in a different direction.

The point is, get some help. Not just for yourself but for your kid, because you know what? Some behavior is learned and unless there's a genetic pre-disposition for it, depression can be mimicked. 

Do you want for your kid what you have? I certainly don't.